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Author Topic: #40: Lionel Ritchie  (Read 5228 times)

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Offline shemps#1

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#40: Lionel Ritchie
« on: February 16, 2005, 12:49:13 PM »
(NOTE: Music That Sucks is the correct opinion of the author. If you don't like you can go dance on the ceiling...of the Grand Canyon.)

As any MTS reader can tell you, I abhor Clit Rock. Lionel Ritchie may not have been a Clit Rock pioneer, but was able to master it like no other. On top that, he got his ass kicked by his wife. Yes, his wife beat the shit out of him. Now if that's not enough to classify Lionel as one of the biggest pussies of all time, we will now embark on what will be a painful journey to through the ultra-douchey Lionel Ritchie canon.

Lionel Ritchie was born on 6/20/49 in Tuskegee, Alabama. Yep, the very same Tuskegee where they infected 400 black men with syphilis in a span of 40 years for the purpose of scientific experiment (more on that later). He grew up on the campus of and attended the Tuskegee Institute, where he joined the Commodores as a saxophonist. The Commodores gained a small following in the Alabama area and soon set their sites on New York City. After auditioning for an NYC club the group was turned down flat, but the club owner called them back a short time later to fill in for a last minute cancellation. That night the band performed before a packed SRO crowd, and the owner booked for two more weeks. Unbeknownst to the owner the majority of the club's patrons that night were friends and family of the band members.

In 1971 the group was told to be NYC for an audition. Said audition turned out to be for an opening act for the Jackson 5, which the Commodores won. After touring with the Jackson 5 for two-and-a-half years the group signed a record with the Jackson 5's label, Motown Records. Since this is a Lionel Ritchie induction and not a Commodores inductions I will stick with the Commodores songs fronted by Ritchie and not by fellow bandmember Clyde Orange (ex: "Brickhouse"). While Orange was a ballsy lead howling out jazzy funk tunes, Ritchie was his polar opposite: a douchey lead churning out sappy romantic ballads like 1976's "Just To Be Close To You", which was the first Commodores single to crack the Top Ten (#7). The next sappy Ritchie ballad to make it big was "Sweet Love" (also in '76), which just cracked the Top Five.

The Commodores would continue to gain momentum by mixing the funk-inspired Orange tunes with the Clitoris-inspired Ritchie tunes. When push came to shove, the Ritchie tunes were unfortunately more successful. In 1977 the next Ritchie lead single, "Easy", reached #4 on the charts and can still be heard on easy-listening or "Mix" stations to this day. This would take the booby prize for the worst Commodores tune if it weren't for the group's next Ritchie single, 1978's "Three Times A Lady". This song, a mixture of one part "clit", two parts "enema", and a boatload of listener's vomit thrown in for good measure was the group's first #1 hit. The following year Ritchie struck back with "Still", which became the group's second and final #1 hit with Ritchie on board. In 1981 the group had another Top Ten hit with "Lady (You Bring Me Up)" (#8, #1 for Kenny Rogers), but before the year ended Ritchie embarked on a solo career that would mentally scar millions for years to come. Before officially leaving the Commodores Ritchie scored A #1 hit teaming with Diana Ross and the ultra-sappy "Endless Love".

Ritchie's eponymous solo debut was an instant smash, selling over four millions and reaching #3 on the album charts. His music polluted the airwaves, spearheaded by the vaginally enhanced chart-topper "Truly". The man with world's faggiest afro would only get stronger career-wise in 1983 with the release of his sophmore solo effort, Can't Slow Down. Unleashing an army of shitty pop hits all at once, Can't Slow Down topped the album charts and sold over ten million copies. I would be remiss if I didn't mention a couple of the putrid songs on this turd of an album, starting with "All Night Long (All Night)". The phoney calypso beat is enough to make even the strongest stomachs turn, considering the fact that it also comes from one of the world's least "black" black men (not to mention the least manly of "men" period). Of course the song reaches #1 on the charts. The other #1 song on this album is "Hello", and the suckiness of this one can only be explained by looking at the music video. A "blind' chick with an afro more masculine than Ritchies is taking an art class and has to create a sculpture. She uses Ritchie as model, feeling up his head while Ritchie yowls "Hello! Is it me you're looking for?" In the end she makes the freakiest fucking bust of all time, looking more like the mythical Medusa than Lionel. Other singles from Can't Slow Down to chart include "My Love" (#5), "You Are" (#4), and "Running With The Night" (#7).

Containing all of the powers of his Pus-Fro by adding Jheri-juice, Ritchie teamed up with fellow MTS inductee Michael Jackson to pen "We Are The World" in 1985, a #1 smash with the proceeds going to feed hungry folks in Africa. Good intentions not withstanding, this song (which was sung by an ensemble of current and potential MTS inductees) ind is yet more proof of Ritchie's evil Clit Rock. By the end of '85 Ritchie released another #1 single, "Say You, Say Me". In 1986 Ritchie released his next album, Dancing On The Ceiling. While the title track went as high as #2 and the album sold four million copies, Ritchie began to lose momentum. Another single off of the album, "Se La" was his first solo single to fail to reach the Top Ten. From there it was a straight decline with every subsequent release. Ritchie ended up getting married and divorced twice (one of wives beat him up), and his adopted daughter Nicole can be seen alongside emaciated whore Paris Hilton on the FOX tv show, The Simple Life.

I have come to the conclusion that Lionel Ritchie was infected with Syphillis during the Tuskegee Experiments. There is no other logical explanation for the pussified music that he has made. How it became popular is a totally different story. I implore all of you to warn others of the dangers of Syphillis; hopefully with education and understanding we can prevent the next Lionel Ritchie from ever happening.

Lionel Ritchie, music...that sucks!
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish." - Unknown

Offline wakkyjaky

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Re: #40: Lionel Ritchie
« Reply #1 on: February 19, 2005, 05:19:19 PM »
I loved your life line of Lionel Ritchie. He has put out in my opinion some sappy and crappy songs of the seventies and eighties that would make me sick everytime I would hear them.

I mainly listen to rock stations and not top 40 or pop stations so thankfully I don't have to listen to Lionel unless some sap has it playing on their radio. Thankfully my kids don't listen to Lionel either so that spares my stomach further pain and agony.

I wonder if his adopted daughter has him wrapped around her finger like his two wives did? What a wussy.

Jackie

Offline johann

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Re: #40: Lionel Ritchie
« Reply #2 on: July 05, 2005, 08:49:34 PM »
You are much too restrained.. I refer to that type of music as n****r fuck songs.

Offline Stoop

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Re: #40: Lionel Ritchie
« Reply #3 on: July 05, 2005, 09:46:57 PM »
You are much too restrained.. I refer to that type of music as n****r fuck songs.
Wow, at least you’re restrained enough to censor yourself some.
 :nono:
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Offline shemps#1

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Re: #40: Lionel Ritchie
« Reply #4 on: July 05, 2005, 09:55:19 PM »
Tell me something: why censor the word "nigger" and not the word "fuck"?
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish." - Unknown

Offline johann

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Re: #40: Lionel Ritchie
« Reply #5 on: July 06, 2005, 10:43:18 AM »
I agonized over that.  I figured the "f" word would be least offensive. :-\

Offline shemps#1

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Re: #40: Lionel Ritchie
« Reply #6 on: July 06, 2005, 05:33:14 PM »
Well, "fuck" is kind of the #1 offensive word in the English language. For instance, there have been cases where "nigger" has been allowed to air over broadcast TV, where as "fuck" has almost never been allowed. Besides, offense is taken over the intention of the word with most sane people, not the mere utterance of the word. So your self-censored "n****r" is probably more offensive to most people than my typing "nigger" out.
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish." - Unknown

Pilsner Panther

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Re: #40: Lionel Ritchie
« Reply #7 on: July 06, 2005, 11:01:38 PM »
Interesting discussion going on here, and pardon me for jumping in late. Something no one has pointed out yet is that all the obituaries of the late, great Paul Winchell referred to him as "the voice of Tigger."

Anyone knows that nowadays— to be politically correct— you can't say "Tigger!" It has to be "Tigro-American."

 ::)

Offline Senorita Rita

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Re: #40: Lionel Ritchie
« Reply #8 on: July 07, 2005, 04:00:41 PM »
You are much too restrained.. I refer to that type of music as n****r fuck songs.
Misusing the grammatical context  of "there" and "their" in a sentence gets you banned here, but no one bats an eye at this? Hmm.
...to say the least, if not less...

Offline shemps#1

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Re: #40: Lionel Ritchie
« Reply #9 on: July 07, 2005, 05:03:05 PM »
#1. It has never been grammtical misuse alone that has gotten anyone banned. When a person gets banned stemming from grammitical misuse/typographical laziness it usually goes down one of two ways: 1. The person gets a warning, then gets pissed and starts calling the person who warned them nasty names, which then results in the ban, 2. The person ignores the warning and continues despite repeated warnings, which then results in the ban. Get your facts straight.

#2. I am all for free speech on this website as long as you do not swear at/harass/pick fights with other members. He said "nigger"; so what? He did not direct it at anyone on this site in general, just toward Lionel Ritchie's music (and perhaps Mr. Ritchie himself). I refuse to fall prey to the P.C. sickness and throw this guy out because he used a word most people don't like. Do I like the fact that he used the word or agree with his assessment? No, but he has every right to use the word without fear of being banned as long as he doesn't direct it toward another member.

As the old cliche goes "I might not like what you have to say, but I'll defend your right to say it".

Think before you speak.
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish." - Unknown

Pilsner Panther

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Re: #40: Lionel Ritchie
« Reply #10 on: July 07, 2005, 05:45:16 PM »
I usually do my own advertising, but this thread is serving as an excellent introduction to my upcoming Pilsner's Picks segment(s) on "Politically Incorrect Music" (TM).

Features will include Coon songs, Minstrel acts, Amos & Andy, The Two Black Crows, Chinese, Yiddish, Italian, and German-dialect vaudeville takeoffs, and anything else in that line that I can dredge up.

And believe me, I can dredge up plenty!

 :o

This is all part of our collective history, folks— the "n-word" and all the rest of it— so why should anyone be squeamish about it? At the very least, it's educational.

 ;)

Offline Senorita Rita

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Re: #40: Lionel Ritchie
« Reply #11 on: July 07, 2005, 06:33:17 PM »
"As the old cliche goes "I might not like what you have to say, but I'll defend your right to say it".

I'd agree with that (except in cases of slander, libel, etc.). I just thought it was an odd statement, and that no one here seemed to think twice about it. I have, however, seen moderators lose their cool over seemingly trivial matters.

"Think before you speak."
 ::)
I did. I though a good 10 minutes about it. In fact, I had gone to another thread in the General discussion, but I felt bugged enough about that response to come back to it and reply.

And in response to PP, I actually take a great ammount of interest  in things like that, so I'm anticipating hearing the songs you come up with. It IS important to review history, but the poster above obviously replied with the intent to stir shit, get attention, and perhaps provoke a stupid arguement. I'm surprised no one else saw it that way, and I'm not going to pretend that I wasn't irritated by it.
...to say the least, if not less...

Pilsner Panther

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Re: #40: Lionel Ritchie
« Reply #12 on: July 07, 2005, 10:37:15 PM »
Here's my two cents, Rita, on what's appropriate here as opposed to what isn't. I've written articles for the San Francisco Chronicle and other major publications, as well as having been a Public Affairs Officer for the U.S. Army Medical Corps, so I think I have reasonably good judgment in that area.

Sure, people tend to be provocative when they respond to shemps#1's MTS pieces, but that's because shemps#1 himself has a hard-edged sense of humor (and he's pretty consistently entertaining for a young writer who's still in his 20's, if you ask me). If we all didn't like our humor strong— "straight, no chaser," we wouldn't be Stooges fans or fans of slapstick and absurdist comedy in general. Personally, I think any subject matter is fair game on these boards, as long as the poster doesn't get into ad hominem attacks on other members, or become out-and-out psychotic like our old "friend" Islipp did.

All three of us who moderate here have strong libertarian convictions about speech, and at a time when free speech in the U.S. is under definite government attack. Just look at the news stories over the last couple of days about the Time and New York Times reporters who ran afoul of a federal judge for refusing to expose a confidential source... I don't know about you, but that's enough to make my blood run cold. As of right now, uncovering the truth can get you put in jail, and there's nothing funny at all about that.

One of the greatest things about the internet is that it makes everyone with access to it his or her own "publisher." So, free speech is preserved online, even as it's getting crushed in the old-line print and electronic media. Basically, message boards, usenet, and blogs amount to electronic "samizdat," to borrow a term from the Cold War era. "Samizdat" means, essentially, "self-publishing," although "back in the U.S.S.R.," you needed a printing press or at least a mimeograph machine to do it. Not any more!

 ;D

There's a fine line between edgy humor and trolling, and I'll be the first to admit that sometimes I can see it and sometimes I can't, because it's a gray area, no question about it. However, I think we do a pretty good job here at keeping the quality of the discussions both wide-open and thought-provoking, without crossing the line into poor taste.

If you don't agree, please say so, and we'll go on from there...

Meantime, I'll take my Professor Finestein hat off and go back to being a regular Stooge.




Offline jrvass

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Re: #40: Lionel Ritchie
« Reply #13 on: July 08, 2005, 03:51:34 AM »
A scholarly presentation of Jim Crow style racism:

http://www.ferris.edu/jimcrow/menu.htm

James
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Offline Junglebunny

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Re: #40: Lionel Ritchie
« Reply #14 on: August 02, 2005, 02:29:03 PM »
I agree about Lionel 's music sucking but there's one song that's cool and that happened to be that one called "Se La".
If you smoke weed you'll know what it is,