(NOTE: Music That Sucks is the correct opinion of the author. If you don't like you can go dance on the ceiling...of the Grand Canyon.)
As any MTS reader can tell you, I abhor Clit Rock. Lionel Ritchie may not have been a Clit Rock pioneer, but was able to master it like no other. On top that, he got his ass kicked by his wife. Yes, his wife beat the shit out of him. Now if that's not enough to classify Lionel as one of the biggest pussies of all time, we will now embark on what will be a painful journey to through the ultra-douchey Lionel Ritchie canon.
Lionel Ritchie was born on 6/20/49 in Tuskegee, Alabama. Yep, the very same Tuskegee where they infected 400 black men with syphilis in a span of 40 years for the purpose of scientific experiment (more on that later). He grew up on the campus of and attended the Tuskegee Institute, where he joined the Commodores as a saxophonist. The Commodores gained a small following in the Alabama area and soon set their sites on New York City. After auditioning for an NYC club the group was turned down flat, but the club owner called them back a short time later to fill in for a last minute cancellation. That night the band performed before a packed SRO crowd, and the owner booked for two more weeks. Unbeknownst to the owner the majority of the club's patrons that night were friends and family of the band members.
In 1971 the group was told to be NYC for an audition. Said audition turned out to be for an opening act for the Jackson 5, which the Commodores won. After touring with the Jackson 5 for two-and-a-half years the group signed a record with the Jackson 5's label, Motown Records. Since this is a Lionel Ritchie induction and not a Commodores inductions I will stick with the Commodores songs fronted by Ritchie and not by fellow bandmember Clyde Orange (ex: "Brickhouse"). While Orange was a ballsy lead howling out jazzy funk tunes, Ritchie was his polar opposite: a douchey lead churning out sappy romantic ballads like 1976's "Just To Be Close To You", which was the first Commodores single to crack the Top Ten (#7). The next sappy Ritchie ballad to make it big was "Sweet Love" (also in '76), which just cracked the Top Five.
The Commodores would continue to gain momentum by mixing the funk-inspired Orange tunes with the Clitoris-inspired Ritchie tunes. When push came to shove, the Ritchie tunes were unfortunately more successful. In 1977 the next Ritchie lead single, "Easy", reached #4 on the charts and can still be heard on easy-listening or "Mix" stations to this day. This would take the booby prize for the worst Commodores tune if it weren't for the group's next Ritchie single, 1978's "Three Times A Lady". This song, a mixture of one part "clit", two parts "enema", and a boatload of listener's vomit thrown in for good measure was the group's first #1 hit. The following year Ritchie struck back with "Still", which became the group's second and final #1 hit with Ritchie on board. In 1981 the group had another Top Ten hit with "Lady (You Bring Me Up)" (#8, #1 for Kenny Rogers), but before the year ended Ritchie embarked on a solo career that would mentally scar millions for years to come. Before officially leaving the Commodores Ritchie scored A #1 hit teaming with Diana Ross and the ultra-sappy "Endless Love".
Ritchie's eponymous solo debut was an instant smash, selling over four millions and reaching #3 on the album charts. His music polluted the airwaves, spearheaded by the vaginally enhanced chart-topper "Truly". The man with world's faggiest afro would only get stronger career-wise in 1983 with the release of his sophmore solo effort, Can't Slow Down. Unleashing an army of shitty pop hits all at once, Can't Slow Down topped the album charts and sold over ten million copies. I would be remiss if I didn't mention a couple of the putrid songs on this turd of an album, starting with "All Night Long (All Night)". The phoney calypso beat is enough to make even the strongest stomachs turn, considering the fact that it also comes from one of the world's least "black" black men (not to mention the least manly of "men" period). Of course the song reaches #1 on the charts. The other #1 song on this album is "Hello", and the suckiness of this one can only be explained by looking at the music video. A "blind' chick with an afro more masculine than Ritchies is taking an art class and has to create a sculpture. She uses Ritchie as model, feeling up his head while Ritchie yowls "Hello! Is it me you're looking for?" In the end she makes the freakiest fucking bust of all time, looking more like the mythical Medusa than Lionel. Other singles from Can't Slow Down to chart include "My Love" (#5), "You Are" (#4), and "Running With The Night" (#7).
Containing all of the powers of his Pus-Fro by adding Jheri-juice, Ritchie teamed up with fellow MTS inductee Michael Jackson to pen "We Are The World" in 1985, a #1 smash with the proceeds going to feed hungry folks in Africa. Good intentions not withstanding, this song (which was sung by an ensemble of current and potential MTS inductees) ind is yet more proof of Ritchie's evil Clit Rock. By the end of '85 Ritchie released another #1 single, "Say You, Say Me". In 1986 Ritchie released his next album, Dancing On The Ceiling. While the title track went as high as #2 and the album sold four million copies, Ritchie began to lose momentum. Another single off of the album, "Se La" was his first solo single to fail to reach the Top Ten. From there it was a straight decline with every subsequent release. Ritchie ended up getting married and divorced twice (one of wives beat him up), and his adopted daughter Nicole can be seen alongside emaciated whore Paris Hilton on the FOX tv show, The Simple Life.
I have come to the conclusion that Lionel Ritchie was infected with Syphillis during the Tuskegee Experiments. There is no other logical explanation for the pussified music that he has made. How it became popular is a totally different story. I implore all of you to warn others of the dangers of Syphillis; hopefully with education and understanding we can prevent the next Lionel Ritchie from ever happening.
Lionel Ritchie, music...that sucks!