Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Author Topic: Steinbrenner's Wallet Tests Positive For Steroids  (Read 818 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline shemps#1

  • Pothead, Libertarian, Administrator, Resident Crank and Baron of Greymatter
  • Global Moderator
  • Chowderhead
  • ******
  • Posts: 3,771
  • Gender: Male
  • Hatchet Man
    • View Profile
Steinbrenner's Wallet Tests Positive For Steroids
« on: January 05, 2005, 10:15:12 AM »
  • Publish
  •  (The link to this was posted on the official Red Sox message board. I thought it was funny enough to share here.)

    Steinbrenner’s Wallet Tests Positive for Steroids

    Yankees boss denies doping charges, says others may be to blame

    By Andy Borowitz
    Updated: 12:37 p.m. ET Jan. 4, 2005

    Jan. 4 - Just hours after the New York Yankees concluded a deal for star pitcher Randy Johnson, the wallet of the team’s owner George Steinbrenner tested positive for steroids, Major League Baseball confirmed today.

    Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig said that Steinbrenner's wallet had used steroids to morph from a normal billfold into a "monstrous, bloated moneybag," but added that the league had no provisions for penalizing the use of wallet-enhancing substances.

    Speaking from Tampa, Fla., Steinbrenner denied doping his wallet, arguing that if true, it must have occurred while it was out of his possession.

    Steinbrenner suggested that a steroid-laced salve or gel might have been applied to his wallet at night while it sat on his nightstand, for example.

    But he cast doubt on the test results altogether when he said that the wallet could have grown to gigantic proportions as a result of "strenuous exercise" during his entire tenure as Yankee owner.

    Rival baseball executives, however, were not buying Steinbrenner's theory, arguing that his wallet appeared to have "unnatural bulges" at this year's baseball winter meetings.

    Boston Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein was among those suspecting that Steinbrenner's billfold had used synthetic means to expand grotesquely during the off-season.

    "When I saw George at the winter meetings, I was like, either his wallet's on steroids or he's happy to see me," Epstein said.

    Elsewhere, in a letter posted on her Web site, Martha Stewart called for better conditions in prison, saying that the food was bad and the stock tips were terrible.

    Andy Borowitz is the author of The Borowitz Report, and the winner of the National Press Club's humor award. For more, go to
    "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish." - Unknown


    Facebook Comments