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Author Topic: The Ten Gayest Things Kids These Days Are Into  (Read 13127 times)

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Offline shemps#1

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The Ten Gayest Things Kids These Days Are Into
« on: March 25, 2008, 07:51:43 PM »
Every generation there is something spawned in the bowels of popular culture that children latch onto. Whether it's a television show, a musical act, or even a series of books one thing is certain: kids have the worst fucking taste. Here are in my humble opinion the ten gayest things that are all the rage with kids from 5-12.

10. Various Remakes/Resurgences of Shitty Things From The Past

Proving just how creatively bankrupt popular culture (Hollywood in particular) is we have been deluged with an onslaught of remakes or comebacks of some of the worst kiddie pop culture phenomenons of the past. This of course is not new (my generation had G.I. Joe, which first became popular in the 60's-70's, for example), but as I just said there seems to be much more of it happening nowadays. What makes it even more annoying is that today's children, much like their parents before them, seem to think this shit is brand new until you give them "five across the eyes" and drill it into their heads that what they think is new is nothing more than something dragged out of the pop culture closet, dusted off and "updated". Movie adaptations of such garbage as Transformers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Underdog are among the countless big screen offenders. On the boob tube you can see a new George of the Jungle, and even such bowel turning excrement as Strawberry Shortcake and My Little Pony have reappeared on the toy shelves. If only it were legal to pop every child in the mouth that likes this shit I'd be a happy man.

9. Harry Potter

Let me just say that the whole Harry Potter craze is one of the gayest things ever. In fact, if it weren't for the sole redeeming fact that thanks to J.K. Rowling's fucksterpiece some children are actually picking up books and reading when they normally wouldn't Harry Potter would rank higher on this list. With at the time of writing this seven books and five film adaptations already in the can, not to mention countless toys, video games and even candies Harry Potter is huge business. Marvel in amazement as a little apprentice sorceror grows up and has adventures...oh fuck that. First off, Wizards and Warlocks and whatnot are the epitome of dorkdom; in a couple of years you boys who are still into that shit can rest assured that you won't even get a faint whiff of pussy. If you don't believe me just the Dungeons and Dragons marks that came before you.

What makes this whole Harry Potter mess even worse are the adults who are into it. I've have had grown people tell me with a straight face that they have read the books, seen the movies, and even WAITED IN LINE to buy the fucking book the first day it came out. This is fucking pathetic. You are supposed to be an adult, read some of the classics or even some new novels geared towards adults. Hell, read Hustler for all I care; it's better than reading something that is geared towards children for your own personal amusement. You should be ashamed, not proud.

8. Xiaolin Showdown

A crappy cartoon that originally ran on the now defunct WB network, Xiaolin Showdown has found even more success on Cartoon Network in reruns (much like Family Guy did on Adult Seim). This very poorly drawn and animated cartoon features a bunch of unlikable characters which include a redneck kid and a young buddhist monk protecting something called Shen Gong Wu. Fans of this lame show love to act out the pseudo-action and pretend to use said Shen Gong Wu, leaving adults scratching their heads in the process. Even the fucking Karate Kid was better than this shit.

7. Shrek

A set of CGI animated movies in which Mike Myers once again uses his pseudo Scottish accent, this time to voice an ogre. Shrek is one of a litany of kiddie flick franchises that tries to shoehorn jokes, references or non-sequitors that adults might get in order to try to help dull the pain of having to sit through this garbage with their children. It doesn't help. There comes a time when fairy tale bullshit becomes gay for anyone with a normal IQ. If I want to watch animation that is truly witty on an adult level I'll watch South Park, thank you very much. Leave the kiddie shit strictly for the kiddies, don't try to appease me because I'm not your target audience and am trying my best not to pay attention to this shit. Not only that, but that kind of stuff goes over the child's head. Oh yeah, fuck you Mike Myers, you unfunny hack. The one formula you had that was remotely close to funny was Austin Powers, and much like Wayne's World before it and Shrek after it once it gained some momentum you proceeded to run it into the ground and bleed the fucker dry.

6. The Jonas Brothers

Like the Jackson Five, Donny Osmond, New Edition and Hanson before them, the Jonas Brothers are a kiddie pop group that is unleashing a tsunami of bubble gum bullshit pop music on children and their helpless parents. The only reason they aren't higher on this list is because they are still fairly new and not quite as popular as the crap that comes later. Look for these little douche nozzles on Dancing With The Stars, making a guest appearance on an upcoming episode. Or, if you're like me and do not like the taste of cock you'll most likely continue to avoid that show like the plague.

5. Scooby Doo

This long running Hanna-Barbera cartoon has never really left the pop culture scene since infecting it like a case of HIV in 1969. In recent years we have been "treated to" two live action film adaptations, as well as countless toys, books, animated full-length DVD's and various new tv series'. From the terrible animation that was a HB trademark to the idiotic stories, everything about Scooby Doo says that this show should have been dead on arrival. However, thanks to children having no fucking taste whatsoever it will outlive us all like the mighty cockroach.

4. Power Rangers

Apparently we didn't bomb the Japanese enough, because they have assaulted us with two mentions on this list; Power Rangers and the #1 item. Power Rangers hit our shores in the mid 1990's, with it's ham acting, cheesy villians, and shitty martial arts. We were deluged with all sorts of toys and movies, and the whole thing drove a teenage yours truly bat shit crazy. If you thought we were safe from the Power Rangers, think again. There are now new Power Rangers, new toys, and new spin-offs. In fact there have been 15 different Power Rangers series on television since it began, but all the shittiness just blends together. I would rather eat Hillary Clinton's twat than sit through an episode of this tripe.

3. The Suite Life Of Zack and Cody

There's a good reason why the situation comedy is almost extinct, besides the advent of reality tv: sitcoms have sucked all sorts of ass for some time now. The Suite Life Of Zack and Cody, which airs on the Disney Channel, is no different. Cole and Dylan Sprouse play Zack and Cody, twin brats who live in a hotel because their mother is a lounge singer there {get it? "Suite" Life? What a play on words! HA HA H...go fuck yourself) that get into all sorts of mischief by acting like a bunch of third-rate Macauley Culkins. I actually learned of this show when my friend's seven year old son was watching it one day and his five year old brother was whining because he changed the channel from cartoons. From what little I could stomach the writing was below hack and there was not a laugh to be had for anyone who has reached puberty or beyond. If your kids start watching this shit do them a favor and gouge their eyes out so it can never happen again.

2. Hannah Montana

Billy Ray Cyrus' daughter Miley is making tons more money than her father ever did by appealing directly to the kiddie circuit with her ultra-shitty music and television show Hannah Montana. Much like the Jonas Brothers she belches out bubblegum bullshit, but only on a much larger scale. Some people like to blame the advent of file sharing  as the death of the record industry; I believe it's also the ridiculous price of compact discs coupled with rappers who "connect" with their audience by talking about how much money they blow on on drinking $1000 bottles of champagne, spinning rims and gold chains, rock music without any balls, and putrid, talentless shit like this. While the tabloid world waits for Miley to become the next drugged-out, oversexed whore once she turns 18, I just hope she goes the fuck away.

1. Pokemon

What is this shit? I mean really...can somebody explain to me the appeal of this garbage? Pokemon has been around for the better part of this decade, with various toys, video games, movies, television shows and other assorted crap to drain the wallets of parents: yet I still can't understand it. The whole Poke-universe is convoluted as all fuck, with all sorts of Pokemon doing all sorts of shit. Have any of you tried to watch this garbage? Could you follow it? If so then you must be either retarded, a sociopath or a pedophile because I watched maybe two minutes of a show or movie and was instantly lost. A big fuck you goes out to Nintendo for coming up with Pokemon, the gayest thing that's popular with kids today. May they catch my Poke-balls in their round mouths.

Next time I'll discuss the worst comedians not named Dan Whitney.
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish." - Unknown

Offline Moe Hailstone

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Re: The Ten Gayest Things Kids These Days Are Into
« Reply #1 on: March 25, 2008, 09:08:38 PM »
Nice list.  :)

I personally liked #10, since Hollywood is in "Remake" mode the last several years.  Being a child in the late 70's/80's, I don't need to have movies from my childhood cartoons (Transformers, G.I. Joe, Underdog) or from TV shows (Dukes of Hazzard, Starsky and Hutch).

I will never create a child into this world for several reasons, but mainly this one:

What if I show him/her the Three Stooges for the first time and it says "This is boring/stupid/lame".

I'd probably kill it.   >:D
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Offline metaldams

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Re: The Ten Gayest Things Kids These Days Are Into
« Reply #2 on: March 26, 2008, 03:38:08 PM »
Speaking of strange kiddie stuff, I can remember watching TOY STORY with my cousin five or six years back.  She must've been 6 or 7 at the time, and a captured gingerbread man aid to the thing that captured it, "eat me."  Well, my lil' cuz decided to repeart those two words over and over again.  My aunt was embarrassed, but I was a combination of being appalled and in hysterics.

I can safely I am culturally out of it, and when I do find out what's in, I tend to stay culturally out of it by choice.  I do have a nephew on the way in June and maybe I'll have kids of my own in the next few years, so I'm sure I'll be exposed to this stuff soon enough.

Offline curlysdame

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Re: The Ten Gayest Things Kids These Days Are Into
« Reply #3 on: March 28, 2008, 02:42:48 AM »
Ugh, Miley Cyrus.... I'm convinced that she's the spawn of Satan.   >:D  I can't wait till she becomes a 'sweaty, puffy coke whore' and ruins her life.  And the cast of 'High School Musical'... they're the children of the corn, 'little rat bastards. I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I think it's a little scary how big this Disney channel stuff has gotten.  These were just supposed to be some piss-ant little TV shows, and now they're practically a global monopoly  :'(  I wanna say 'hide the kids' but they're the ones that made this shit so popular.  So, in this instance, don't save the children... fuck 'em all.
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Offline jrvass

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Re: The Ten Gayest Things Kids These Days Are Into
« Reply #4 on: March 28, 2008, 08:41:49 AM »
Agree... except Scooby Doo:

The Truth About Scooby Doo

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Everyone remembers the cartoon show Scooby-Doo from their early childhood, right? But something you may not remember is what the show was really all about. As I've gotten older, it has become more clear to me what Fred, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma, and Scooby were actually doing as they traversed the continent foiling crimes of all sorts in the Mystery Machine.

What We Remember:
Four teenagers and their trusted dog gallop across the country in their purple and green van solving mysteries of all sort--and in the process meet all kinds of interesting people.

The Truth:
Four high-school dropouts and their sentient dog ride around the country in their psychodelic love machine, earning their way by selling drugs. Oh, and they occasionally take some old guys mask off to solve a mystery.

It may be a little hard to swallow, but just take a look at the evidence...

Take Shaggy for example. Not only is he the inspiration for the current 'grunge' scene, with his sloppy dress and facial hair, but Shaggy is obviously a 'burner', i.e., he smokes marijuana. Why do you think he is constantly hungry? Shaggy can make a six foot hoagie and swallow it whole.

And then there is Scooby himself. While dogs do not generally smoke joints, Scooby gets his 'high' from Scooby-Snacks, which are in fact Hash-Brownies. Whenever Scooby, or Shaggy for that matter, eats a Scooby-Snack, they go ape! It just blows their mind and they do whatever they are told, because they are so lit! Scooby is also hungry all the time.

The other characters do not actively take part in the stoner-fest that Shaggy and Scooby do, but they do condone the selling of it because it helps support their jaunts across the country (and the world--they drove to China once). These other characters do have their own peculiarities however..

Fred and Daphne are always splintering off from the group to go 'solve the case' by themselves. It's no real mystery what these two are really doing--they're getting busy in the back of the Mystery Machine. Daphne with her pretty pink, well, legs and Fred are constantly bumping uglies. Fred is, by the way, pumped up on steroids. One thing that remains a mystery to me though, is why he always wore that stupid scarf around his neck.

And what about Velma? Everyone's least favorite of the cast, was of course, a lesbian. But, as it turned out in the later episodes, she was also into beastiality. Where do you thing Scrappy-Doo came from? Scrappy, who was a dog yet spoke perfect english, was obviously a product of Velma and Scooby.

So the kids spent their teenage years driving around the world, slangin' dope, shooting steroids, eating hash brownies, and fucking their dog, while all the while looking for the perfect 'hit'.

O If we had only known these things when we watched this cartoon as children...

http://mypage.direct.ca/h/honl/escooby.html

 [pot]

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Re: The Ten Gayest Things Kids These Days Are Into
« Reply #5 on: May 31, 2008, 08:42:14 PM »
I agree with you on all of them except on Pokemon and Harry Potter.


Pokemon:

Pokemon is really cool, and I bet if you were to play Pokemon Battle Revolution for the Wii, I believe you'd be pleasantly surprised.  The gameplay is amazing, and the special effects of the attacks are wonderful.

Harry Potter:

You've obviously never seen the movies or read Book #7.  Harry Potter is an explosive series, with a lot of magic and action.  It's fun to follow Harry as he fights Voldemort and triumphs over Malfoy.


Elizabeth 

Offline shemps#1

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Re: The Ten Gayest Things Kids These Days Are Into
« Reply #6 on: May 31, 2008, 09:23:45 PM »
If I don't like Harry Potter why would I watch the movies or read the seventh book? While I'm at it I'll watch a Yankeeography marathon.
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish." - Unknown

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Re: The Ten Gayest Things Kids These Days Are Into
« Reply #7 on: May 31, 2008, 09:29:36 PM »
That's what I mean.  You've never seen the movies or read book 7 to know how truly great the series really is.


Elizabeth

Offline shemps#1

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Re: The Ten Gayest Things Kids These Days Are Into
« Reply #8 on: May 31, 2008, 09:41:23 PM »
Your logic is faulty at best. If I don't like Harry Potter I don't see how reading the seventh book or watching all of the movies is going to change my opinion instantaneously. In fact, in order for the seventh book to make any sense I'd have to read the entire Potter series, and while I may be masochistic I'm not insanely so.
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish." - Unknown

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Re: The Ten Gayest Things Kids These Days Are Into
« Reply #9 on: June 01, 2008, 12:49:29 PM »
Your logic is faulty at best. If I don't like Harry Potter I don't see how reading the seventh book or watching all of the movies is going to change my opinion instantaneously. In fact, in order for the seventh book to make any sense I'd have to read the entire Potter series, and while I may be masochistic I'm not insanely so.

I don't like Harry Potter either nor have I read any of the books. I believe it's mostly kids who like reading those books, but adults do seem to like them as well.


Offline Dunrobin

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Re: The Ten Gayest Things Kids These Days Are Into
« Reply #10 on: June 01, 2008, 06:44:36 PM »
My co-worker is heavily into the Harry Potter books, and listens to the audio books at work all of the time.  Fortunately we both use headphones, so I can listen to Pink Floyd while I am programming.   ;)

Offline Giff me dat fill-em!

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Re: The Ten Gayest Things Kids These Days Are Into
« Reply #11 on: June 01, 2008, 07:49:41 PM »
I have enjoyed a few of the movies, but they have NEVER induced me to read any of the books ...
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Re: The Ten Gayest Things Kids These Days Are Into
« Reply #12 on: June 01, 2008, 08:02:44 PM »
10. Various Remakes/Resurgences of Shitty Things From The Past

Proving just how creatively bankrupt popular culture (Hollywood in particular) is we have been deluged with an onslaught of remakes or comebacks of some of the worst kiddie pop culture phenomenons of the past. This of course is not new (my generation had G.I. Joe, which first became popular in the 60's-70's, for example), but as I just said there seems to be much more of it happening nowadays. What makes it even more annoying is that today's children, much like their parents before them, seem to think this shit is brand new until you give them "five across the eyes" and drill it into their heads that what they think is new is nothing more than something dragged out of the pop culture closet, dusted off and "updated". Movie adaptations of such garbage as Transformers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Underdog are among the countless big screen offenders. On the boob tube you can see a new George of the Jungle, and even such bowel turning excrement as Strawberry Shortcake and My Little Pony have reappeared on the toy shelves. If only it were legal to pop every child in the mouth that likes this shit I'd be a happy man.

I actually like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I'm not crazy about the cartoons nor am I crazy about the new TMNT movie, but the first two original movies were pretty good. I find Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 1 & 2 a lot of fun to watch. The 3rd one was lousy though. A bad way to end the trilogy.


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Re: The Ten Gayest Things Kids These Days Are Into
« Reply #13 on: June 02, 2008, 09:17:27 AM »
I believe it's mostly kids who like reading those books, but adults do seem to like them as well.

My mom loves the series, but she's way behind on it.  I keep bugging her to catch up with it, but she's still on book 6.

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Re: The Ten Gayest Things Kids These Days Are Into
« Reply #14 on: June 03, 2008, 02:14:26 PM »
shemps#1, you also forgot this:


11.  High School Musical

Ok, I admit it, I have 4 HSM songs on my iPod, but so what?  There are two of these Disney TV movies out on DVD, and I would be caught dead buying them.  This series is lame for one reason and one reason only:

1.) High School Musical 2:  At the beginning of the movie, the kids are happy that school has finally let out for the summer, and then they end up getting summer jobs.  So, the one and only major problem with the series is that it defies logic.

Of course, we cannot forget the uniformly shitty cast.  Zac Efron is an idiot, Vanessa Hudgins is a troublemaker, Lucas Grabeel, no one's even heard of until this, and Corbin Bleu...well, he's the only good one.  All in all, a uniformly shitty movie.

 

Offline FineBari3

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Re: The Ten Gayest Things Kids These Days Are Into
« Reply #15 on: June 03, 2008, 09:21:35 PM »

 I would rather eat Hillary Clinton's twat than sit through an episode of this tripe.


Ewwwwww!

Two absolutely stomach turning things in one sentence.  [yuck]

Fantastic rant, Shemps #1.
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xraffle

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Re: The Ten Gayest Things Kids These Days Are Into
« Reply #16 on: June 03, 2008, 10:27:10 PM »
Ewwwwww!

Two absolutely stomach turning things in one sentence.  [yuck]

Fantastic rant, Shemps #1.

[rotflmao] Regretfully, I used to watch Power Rangers when I was a kid. Thankfully, I don't anymore.


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Re: The Ten Gayest Things Kids These Days Are Into
« Reply #17 on: June 03, 2008, 10:33:04 PM »
Oh, I used to watch He-Man, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Fraggle Rock, Scooby Doo, Full House, and all sorts of crap as a kid.  The only reason why I have any fondness for that stuff is because of the memories it conjures up (example: Fraggle Rock reminds me of my grandparents 'cause I always watched it at their place, now they're both gone).  Watching that stuff now, I realize how awful it all is.

Kids have always been into crap, always will be.  It's not until we're teenagers or adults when some of us develop critical capabilities and don't accept what's fed to us.

Offline jrvass

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Re: The Ten Gayest Things Kids These Days Are Into
« Reply #18 on: June 04, 2008, 12:03:29 AM »
Falwell was right... Teletubbies are gay.

Even Mr. Garrison had to smoke a joint while watching them.

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Offline curlysdame

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Re: The Ten Gayest Things Kids These Days Are Into
« Reply #19 on: June 04, 2008, 12:31:50 AM »
[rotflmao] Regretfully, I used to watch Power Rangers when I was a kid. Thankfully, I don't anymore.

Haha, same here, xraffle.  I was all over the Power Rangers when I was a wee 2nd grader.  I remember I was the pink ranger for halloween that year, too.  My mom still brings it up, "Oh c'mon, it was cute!"  to which I say, "God, don't remind me  [doh]"
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Re: The Ten Gayest Things Kids These Days Are Into
« Reply #20 on: June 05, 2008, 05:24:05 PM »
I remember watching the Power Rangers movie.  The only thing I remember about it is when the blue ranger gets injured or something and the little kid takes his place.