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Author Topic: #32: New Kids On The Block  (Read 8200 times)

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Offline shemps#1

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#32: New Kids On The Block
« on: December 01, 2004, 04:14:29 PM »
(NOTE: Music That Sucks is the correct opinion of the author. If you disagree then you have the wrong stuff.)

Welcome one and all to a landmark MTS, where for the first time we delve into the super faggy world of Boy Band pop. There have been a countless number of Boy Bands over the years, and these inductees were definately not the first. They are, however, significant to me personally. I have a sister who is very close in age to me, and she absolutely adored these jack-offs.  It got to the point where I would beat her up whenever she put in one of the concert videos she had. It is with that in mind I give to you the story of the New Kids On The Block.

As with the vast majority of Boy Bands, the New Kids On The Block (NKOTB) story begins with a producer. Maurice Starr had previous success in the early 1980's with a group of black kids from the Boston area known as New Edition. That group would break away from Starr in 1983, which set him out on a mission to create another Boy Band, one that would eclipse their success. He went back to Beantown and set out to find the "cutest, most clean-cut" (i.e. gayest) kids that he could; this time they would be an all white group.

An add was put out in a newspaper with over 500 boys auditioning. The first two to make the cut where brothers Donnie and Mark Wahlberg, but younger Mark would soon get disinterested and leave. Brothers Jon and Jordan Knight, along with Donny Wood and Jamie Kelley, would round out Starr's vision of a vanilla New Edition. Depending on which source you tend to believe, Kelley was either pulled out of the group by his parents, or dismissed because of drinking and missing rehearsals. 12 year old Joey McIntyre would replace him, thus completing the famous NKOTB lineup.

As the five boys were learning the ins and outs of both sucky music geared towards prepubescent girls and "Greek love", they released the self-titled album in 1986 to a luke-warm reception. With the oldest members of NKOTB being all of 16, they got their first taste of failure. Starr pressed on, unfortunately, and in 1988 the group released their second album, 1988's Hangin' Tough. It was this album, along with the music videos that showed off their perfectly polished dance sequences and bad 1980's hair styles (rat tails, anyone?) that transformed NKOTB into a huge success. The group opened on tour for another 1980's nothing act, Tiffany, as their single "Please Don't Go Girl" made the Top Ten.  Three more singles from the album, including the album's title track, "Cover Girl", "I'll Be Loving You (Forever)", and "You Got It (The Right Stuff)", also made the top ten. In fact, "Hangin' Tough" and "You Got It (The Right Stuff)" were both #1 singles. The album would go on to sell well over ten million copies, and NKOTB mania swept through the nation faster than the butt-plugs that such a mania required could be made. Everything from posters, videos, dolls, lunchboxes, keychains and more were made with their ultra-gay faces on it flooded the market as little girls all over the country bothered their parents to get the crap for them. Little girls all over were staring at Jordan while getting to know themselves a little better.

New Kids hysteria wasn't just confined to the US, in the UK the Super Fags scored 7 Top Ten hits in a row.  The disease even extended to other acts as Jordan and Danny penned the #1 hit single "I'll Be Your Everything" for Tommy Page. It would be Page's only hit. After a double platinum Christmas album, NKOTB released Step By Step in 1990. This third studio album sold over three million copies, and the title track quickly reached the #1 spot. The end was near, however, as the number #1 rule for Boy Bands is: the gravy train stays on the rails for three years tops, after that you become old news. That's the problem when you market towards kids; they soon get older and outgrow what you are selling, and the new set of kids wants something different than what the previous set had. NKOTB also started getting in trouble with the law in more ways than one. Wahlberg was charged with, of all things, "verbal abuse' by a woman,  and was later on arrested for attempted arson in Louisville, KY. On top of that, a former convict by the name of James Martorano claimed he owned 25% of NKOTB in exchange for helping financially during the groups early days. Jeffrey Furst claimed 50% ownership in exchange for lending Starr $50,000 in the beginning. Starr's assets were temporarily frozen with the charges pending (Starr won).

In December of 1990 the group was also sued by the charity group Kids On The Block" over ownership of the name. The judge ruled in favor of the Boy Band. Continuing the bad luck which I find hilarious, Jordan was charged with hitting a woman at an Atlanta nightclub. Why this woman didn't beat the living piss out of the bonafide pussy is way beyond me. While all of this was going on Donnie's younger brother Mark began his "rapping career" under the name "Marky Mark". He would score a top ten hit with "Good Vibrations", and later on a rap remake of Lou Reed's hit "Walk On The Wildside".

To try to drive home the point that they had supposedly matured along with their fans, New Kids On The Block officially changed their name to "NKOTB" in 1993. The following year they release an album called Face The Music, which is a huge bomb. Later on in '94, Jon leaves the group, which eventually disintegrates. The New Kid who came out of this whole clusterfuck unscathed was Mark Wahlberg, who was able to achieve success in modeling and acting.

So there you have it, the NKOTB story. The stories of these boy bands are as formulaic as their music, but rest assured there will be more inducted into MTS in the future. But for now I'm going to soak my ears in acid.

As for my sister, who like many NKOTB fans quickly outgrew them, I still cannot forgive you for the emotional scares left by this group. Fuck you, sis.

New Kids On The Block, music...that sucks!
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish." - Unknown

Offline Bruckman

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Re: #32: New Kids On The Block
« Reply #1 on: January 06, 2005, 12:16:47 PM »
So NKOTB were formed by corporate molding, and not spawned by Satan on a dark Thursday. Huh. There was a guy, one year of treeplanting, who listened to "Hangin' Tough" far too frequently for the rest of us. We resisted the urge to throw him out of a fast-moving truck on a mountainside, but it may not have been worth the effort.
"If it wasn't for fear i wouldn't get out of bed in the morning" - Forrest Griffin

Offline Senorita Rita

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Re: #32: New Kids On The Block
« Reply #2 on: January 07, 2005, 01:02:42 AM »
And now for an admission that will probably get me drummed out of this website. I used to own a pair of silver hoop NKOTB earrings.





But I didn't buy them! And I was only 7! Stop looking at me like that...

*runs away*
...to say the least, if not less...

Offline metaldams

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Re: #32: New Kids On The Block
« Reply #3 on: January 07, 2005, 10:45:38 PM »
And now for an admission that will probably get me drummed out of this website. I used to own a pair of silver hoop NKOTB earrings.





But I didn't buy them! And I was only 7! Stop looking at me like that...

*runs away*

Ha!  I got you beat, and to show you how comfortable I am around you guys, I'll admit I saw NKOTB in concert when I was 10.  My mother was trying to be nice and bought me some tickets, and I didn't have the heart to tell her no.

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Re: #32: New Kids On The Block
« Reply #4 on: January 23, 2005, 03:31:52 PM »
i dont know why but when i was young all the girls loved these guys, why they loved them i dont know, i used to rip down the pictures they put up in there lockers  :D ;D
 Typing without using capital letters

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Re: #32: New Kids On The Block
« Reply #5 on: January 23, 2005, 09:05:09 PM »
i dont know why but when i was young all the girls loved these guys, why they loved them i dont know, i used to rip down the pictures they put up in there lockers  :D ;D

Watts Dee Matter, please locate the shift key on your keyboard and learn to use it. Punctuation, spelling, and grammar are all important on this board, so let me tell you that nicely before shemps#1 tells you not so nicely.

Typing either all in lower case or all in caps just isn't acceptable here, okay?

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Re: #32: New Kids On The Block
« Reply #6 on: January 25, 2005, 09:53:34 PM »
Nobody's leaving that fuckin' mess of a post on my board. Jim
« Last Edit: January 26, 2005, 05:51:25 AM by shemps#1 »

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Re: #32: New Kids On The Block
« Reply #7 on: January 25, 2005, 10:51:12 PM »
No, it gets you banned. I'm beginning to understand why shemps#1 likes giving assholes like you the size 19 boot.

BTW, of course the MP3 files work, or why else would people be commenting on the music?

Now bend over and assume the position, because here comes the boot... 'bye!


Offline shemps#1

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Re: #32: New Kids On The Block
« Reply #8 on: January 26, 2005, 05:59:17 AM »
Fuckin' ass, it was like he snapped while writing the damn reply! You did exactly what I would have done Pils. You had a very reasonable request (and were pretty nice about it) then he went Sybil on ya.

BTW, I purposely stayed out of that one since you warned him first.
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish." - Unknown

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Re: #32: New Kids On The Block
« Reply #9 on: January 26, 2005, 10:10:56 AM »
Fuckin' ass, it was like he snapped while writing the damn reply! You did exactly what I would have done Pils. You had a very reasonable request (and were pretty nice about it) then he went Sybil on ya.

BTW, I purposely stayed out of that one since you warned him first.

"Went Sybil," now I like that! That's about right, the mental defective must have been off his meds.

 [nuts]

Offline wakkyjaky

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Re: #32: New Kids On The Block
« Reply #10 on: February 26, 2005, 08:15:29 AM »
I agree with you shemps that New Kids on the Block suck big time. My oldest daughter liked them when she was in middle school she had a New Kids on the Block bedspread that someone gave her.  ::)

Luckily, she is now 26 and I haven't heard her play or even mention New Kids on the Block for a long time. Which is a great relief to my ears. ;D

Offline vomit

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Re: #32: New Kids On The Block
« Reply #11 on: February 03, 2012, 10:30:11 PM »
Oh, oh, o-oh, Oh, oh, oh, oh....YOU SUCK!  Sorry if I mistranslated the SUCKINESS!  Word.  What an abomination!
Specto Caelum!

Offline Liz

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Re: #32: New Kids On The Block
« Reply #12 on: February 06, 2012, 01:04:05 AM »
Whatever.  You're all just like this because you didn't grow up in the 80s and are male (granted, I didn't grow up in the 80s either, but I'm still a 90s kid).

I'm glad NKOTB is touring with the Backstreet Boys.  They sound great!  And I love their new stuff, too.
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Offline vomit

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Re: #32: New Kids On The Block
« Reply #13 on: February 06, 2012, 09:09:13 AM »
Whatever.  You're all just like this because you didn't grow up in the 80s and are male (granted, I didn't grow up in the 80s either, but I'm still a 90s kid).

I'm glad NKOTB is touring with the Backstreet Boys.  They sound great!  And I love their new stuff, too.

Au contraire mon frere, I did grow up in the 80s....graduated in '88.  And yes, NKOTB sucked.  I was always more into Iron Maiden, Motorhead & the Doors.  But to each there own!
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Offline metaldams

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Re: #32: New Kids On The Block
« Reply #14 on: February 06, 2012, 01:56:01 PM »
Au contraire mon frere, I did grow up in the 80s....graduated in '88.  And yes, NKOTB sucked.  I was always more into Iron Maiden, Motorhead & the Doors.  But to each there own!

What's tragic is that members of Motorhead and Maiden did not hang on teenage girls' walls as opposed to NKOTB.  No justice in this world, eyes tells yas!






Offline shemps#1

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Re: #32: New Kids On The Block
« Reply #15 on: February 06, 2012, 05:10:44 PM »
Whatever.  You're all just like this because you didn't grow up in the 80s and are male (granted, I didn't grow up in the 80s either, but I'm still a 90s kid).

I'm glad NKOTB is touring with the Backstreet Boys.  They sound great!  And I love their new stuff, too.

I grew up in the 80's with a sister who loved them and yes they do suck. I know music is subjective and a lot of what a write here is tongue-in-cheek, but I don't think any serious music critic is going to put New Kids on the Block amongst the greats. Sorry Liz, most people in general would be in agreement with me.

Quote
Au contraire mon frere...

Jim's French Lesson of the day:

"mon frère" means "my brother" so since Liz is female it would be "au contaire ma sœur" ("on the contrary, my sister"). I knew those years of French in college would pay off. BTW, very close to a brand new induction...uh-huh, yeah yeah. Sorry, I like to get into my work.
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish." - Unknown

Offline vomit

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Re: #32: New Kids On The Block
« Reply #16 on: February 06, 2012, 05:43:34 PM »
What's tragic is that members of Motorhead and Maiden did not hang on teenage girls' walls as opposed to NKOTB.  No justice in this world, eyes tells yas!




No denying it.  Lemmy is a very attractive man.....
Specto Caelum!

Offline vomit

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Re: #32: New Kids On The Block
« Reply #17 on: February 06, 2012, 05:46:19 PM »
Jim's French Lesson of the day:

"mon frère" means "my brother" so since Liz is female it would be "au contaire ma sœur" ("on the contrary, my sister"). I knew those years of French in college would pay off. BTW, very close to a brand new induction...uh-huh, yeah yeah. Sorry, I like to get into my work.

My bad.  My French was always atrocious.  And after I took the class, I wondered why I did.....besides Crepes and champagne what good is France, besides as the training ground for the German army?
Specto Caelum!

Offline Liz

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Re: #32: New Kids On The Block
« Reply #18 on: February 06, 2012, 06:38:13 PM »
My bad.  My French was always atrocious.  And after I took the class, I wondered why I did.....besides Crepes and champagne what good is France, besides as the training ground for the German army?
I took 3 years of French in high school, and I'm taking a French grammar class right now, so that was all second nature to me.
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Offline metaldams

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Re: #32: New Kids On The Block
« Reply #19 on: February 06, 2012, 08:35:43 PM »
No denying it.  Lemmy is a very attractive man.....

You see the documentary?  Definitely do if you haven't and the DVD's worth it as well.  One of the extras is about the Kilmister/Clarke/Taylor line-up, and listening to those interviews, I came to the realization that "Fast" Eddie Clarke is so cool I wish he was my uncle.

What are your favorite Motorhead albums?  They don't really have weak ones, but my picks are ANOTHER PERFECT DAY, BASTARDS, and the live ones NO SLEEP 'TIL HAMMERSMITH and EVERYTHING LOUDER THAN EVERYONE ELSE.  Wish I had some good DVD footage of the original line-up, though.

By the way, I say this in all seriousness, Jim, if you're paying attention, this is your favorite Motorhead song, you just don't know it yet.

[youtube]awpyaz58ytg[/youtube]

Offline shemps#1

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Re: #32: New Kids On The Block
« Reply #20 on: February 06, 2012, 09:23:02 PM »
You see the documentary?  Definitely do if you haven't and the DVD's worth it as well.  One of the extras is about the Kilmister/Clarke/Taylor line-up, and listening to those interviews, I came to the realization that "Fast" Eddie Clarke is so cool I wish he was my uncle.

What are your favorite Motorhead albums?  They don't really have weak ones, but my picks are ANOTHER PERFECT DAY, BASTARDS, and the live ones NO SLEEP 'TIL HAMMERSMITH and EVERYTHING LOUDER THAN EVERYONE ELSE.  Wish I had some good DVD footage of the original line-up, though.

By the way, I say this in all seriousness, Jim, if you're paying attention, this is your favorite Motorhead song, you just don't know it yet.

Not bad, but I also like this one:

[youtube]KBujoTwTBZ0[/youtube]
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish." - Unknown

Offline metaldams

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Re: #32: New Kids On The Block
« Reply #21 on: February 06, 2012, 09:34:09 PM »
Not bad, but I also like this one:

[youtube]KBujoTwTBZ0[/youtube]

Sweet!  I didn't know you even had a favorite Motorhead song.  "No Voices in the Sky" is a great one, and the CD it's on, 1916, was one of the very first Motorhead albums I got, I must've been 14 or 15.

I say with a little bit of pride is that Lemmy is a celebrity I share a birthday with.  He was literally twice as old as me this past Christmas Eve.

[youtube]JML9LDTPSWg[/youtube]

Offline vomit

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Re: #32: New Kids On The Block
« Reply #22 on: February 06, 2012, 09:38:10 PM »
You see the documentary?  Definitely do if you haven't and the DVD's worth it as well.  One of the extras is about the Kilmister/Clarke/Taylor line-up, and listening to those interviews, I came to the realization that "Fast" Eddie Clarke is so cool I wish he was my uncle.

What are your favorite Motorhead albums?
 


I own LEMMY!  (just wanted to say that).....yep that's a great documentary.  Lemmy is a legend for sure.  Fave album is "Bastards"..not a bad track on there!!  One of my favorite tunes by these guys is:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=odxEeTgGw9s[/youtube]
Specto Caelum!

Offline metaldams

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Re: #32: New Kids On The Block
« Reply #23 on: February 06, 2012, 10:02:00 PM »
 


I own LEMMY!  (just wanted to say that).....yep that's a great documentary.  Lemmy is a legend for sure.  Fave album is "Bastards"..not a bad track on there!!  One of my favorite tunes by these guys is:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=odxEeTgGw9s[/youtube]

1.) It's awesome we sabotaged a NKOTB thread with Motorhead.  Lemmy has more charisma in one of his facial moles than all five of those guys combined.

2.) Glad to see another BASTARDS fan!

3.) Nice song choice there.  INFERNO and KISS OF DEATH have been in my car for weeks now.


Offline vomit

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Re: #32: New Kids On The Block
« Reply #24 on: February 06, 2012, 10:11:07 PM »
1.) It's awesome we sabotaged a NKOTB thread with Motorhead.  Lemmy has more charisma in one of his facial moles than all five of those guys combined.
2.) Glad to see another BASTARDS fan!

3.) Nice song choice there.  INFERNO and KISS OF DEATH have been in my car for weeks now.

I was just gonna post that.  We turned a sow's ear into a silk purse.  The song off the new album The World is yours is pretty good too:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O02Gnzn5JDY[/youtube]

Lemmy & the Boys getting unruly!  Nice!  God bless Lemmy & his warts/charisma!
Specto Caelum!