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Author Topic: #27: Pearl Jam  (Read 1679 times)

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Offline shemps#1

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#27: Pearl Jam
« on: December 01, 2004, 04:07:21 PM »
(NOTE: Music That Sucks is the correct opinion of the author. If you have a problem with it then you must be one of those kids on the brink of picking off classmates.)

As well all know, the vast majority of pop music is geared towards teenagers. Up until this point, every induction has been on artists that were "before my time". This induction, however, is a group whose music was geared towards me and my generation: teenagers of the 1990's. This is a story of what happens when a pretentious, self-important man with no identity of his own fronts one of the worst bands in history. MTS is not so proud to present it's first induction from the subgenre of grunge/alternative rock: Pearl Jam.

Pearl Jam was formed in what has become known as a "Mecca" for grunge fans, Seattle, WA. Bassist Jeff Ament and rhythm guitarist Steve Gossard had previously worked together in an obscure 1980's punk group called Green River in '84. After that group's demise the duo would form another group called Mother Love Bone. Love Bone released an album in 1990, but four weeks later the third member of the group, lead singer Andrew Wood died of a heroin overdose. The group would then find one of the worst front men in the history of Rock to take his place.

Eddie Vetter was born Edward Louis Seversen II in Evanston, Ill. on December 23, 1964. Before joining Pearl Jam he fronted a band called Bad Radio, and came to seattle after Ament, Gossard, and guitarist Mike McCready heard a demo of him. To the untrained ear Eddie can almost pass for the legendary Jim Morrison, that's because this fucker tries so hard to mask his lack of talent by trying to be like the late lead singer of the Doors as much as possible. Add to this a heaping of helping of U2 style pretentiousness, along with a sprinkle of Neil Young's semen, and you have a recipe for shitty music. Drummer Dave Krusen would follow, only to leave the band before it's success and be replaced by Dave Abbruzzese.

Pearl Jam's debut album, Ten became an instant hit, thanks mainly inpart to MTV. Let me paint a picture for you: the record buying public, a new generation of teenagers, grew tired of the late '80's-early '90's hair metal that their predecessors did. The explosion of another band out of Seattle, Nirvana, to the top of the charts had proved that. With Pearl Jam's overnight success, coupled with the fact that the group came out of Seattle, critics were quick to tag the new music with the label "Grunge". Ten would reach #2 on the charts, powered by MTV's constant playing of videos for singles such as "Alive", and more prominately, "Jeremy". "Jeremy", a song about a high school picked on to the point of killing his classmates, features Vedder in Mega-Morrison-Rip-Off mode, which drove yours truely insane. Keep in mind that I had to tell all of the Pearl Jam fans that this douche bag was ripping off a much more talented man in the same vein that Stevie Ray Vaughn ripped off Jimi Hendrix. Only the hardcore stoners, who were also into the doors, felt my pain as Pearl Jam grew bigger and bigger.

All was apparently not well in Grungeville, however. As Pearl Jam and "Ten" became more and more popular, Nirvana's front man Kurt Cobain accused PJ of "jumping the alternative bandwagon". The back and forth bickering between two of the biggest clitorises of the '90's did not stop many fans from listening to both bands. A year and a half after it's release (1991), Ten was still in the Top 20 album charts. The band went on a tour that was apparently huge enough to bring Vedder to the brink of a nervous breakdown. Unfortunately, he did not end up having one, and instead the band would make appearances in a couple of those 1990's "Gen X" movies in between albums. During this time Vedder, revealing his plans to become Jim Morrison reincarnated, actually fronted a reunited Doors during their induction into the Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame.

The band then revealed they had a hard-on for another rocker from '60's, Neil Young. They began to hail him as "the Godfather of Grunge", even joining Young on tour. They also played the Alternative suckfest Lollapalooza II in 1992. In 1993 Pearl Jam released their sophmore album, Vs. The album debuted on the top of the charts. The Pretentious Monster began to rear it's ugly head around this time as PJ took it upon themselves to protest Ticketmaster in an effort to keep ticket prices down. Although it might have been a noble cause, no one wanted to take it alongside these losers, and a lawsuit against the ticket agency was dropped after a year. Their third release, 1994's Vitalogy also entered the album charts at the top spot.  This album being released after Cobain realised he was married to Courtney Love and then did the world a favor by offing himself, the album contains referrences to the death of their fallen foe. Abbruzzese was kicked out of the group, which started rumors that former Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl would take his place. Jack Irons would become the new drummer instead.

The band would then go on to collaborate with their deity Neil Young again, on his very forgettable effort Mirror Ball. The band's name was not allowed to appear on the cover due to contractual reasons. In 1996, the band would see yet another album of bland shit reach the charts, No Code. The following year it was off to play at the Tibetan Freedom Concert. Upon hearing Pearl Jam's music, His Holiness the Dalai Lama commented, "it makes me wish Mao was still alive...and ass raping me at this very moment". In 1998, PJ's fifth album, Yield, is kept out of the #1 spot on the charts thanks in part to the Titanic soundtrack. Not even the mighty Grunge rockers who suck Neil Young's wrinkled cock like sucking cock was going out of style could top old horseface Dion and her rancid "music to quief along to".

In 1999, an single not found on any PJ albums, "Last Kiss", reaches #2 on the singles charts. As the year, and the decade, came to a close, the band released their sixth album, Binaural, which failed to achieve the success of it's predecessors. Not to worry though, however. In 2000, Pearl Jam, in a highly piggish move, released 25 double live albums from their European tour. Let me repeat that: they released 25 live double albums at the same time! Five of these albums found their way to the Billboard Top 200 chart in the same week, giving a PJ a record. This record would be broken six months later when another 23 live double albums from a North American tour are released with seven of them charting the same week.

So there you have it. Not only are they pretentious, but they also contradict themselves after bitching about Ticketmaster by flooding the market with an album for every date from two tours. That's some serious whoring, almost KISS-level whoring.

Thankfully, Alternative/Grunge music is on the wane and has been for quite some time. While the shit being released today is so fucking bland and useless it lulls the listener to sleep, and PJ and their ilk at least had a style, that doesn't mean that their style wasn't pure worm-infested shit.

Pearl Jam, music...that sucks!
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish." - Unknown