(NOTE: Music That Sucks is the correct opinion of the author. If you disagree, I will not want your body or think you're sexy.)
Merry Olde England has brought us some of the best Rockers of all time. In fact, they gave us what is arguably the best group in the history of Rock; The Beatles. Just like over here in America however, for every good or great act there are at least ten sucky ones. Occasionally these sucky ones make it big and unleash a Clit Rock (tm) plague of Biblical proportions. Rod Stewart, who has to be a prime candidate for participation in the Douchlympics, is one of the sucky ones.
Stewart was born in London in 1945, to a mother who apparently never heard of the contraceptive called "keeping your fucking legs closed" as she had alot of money sucking shit machines in her day. Roderick fancied "football" growing up, and even belong to the Brentford Football Club. Allow me to go off on a tangent: US and Canada have it right, it's called SOCCER! Football is an exciting sport, while Soccer (which everybody else calls "football") is a boring sport in which fans repeatedly kill each other over bullshit. Fuck Soccer and the rest of the world.
Alright, I'm back. As a teenager Stewart joined various skiffle bands, and became a full-time mucisian in the early 1960's. He toured for a time with British folk singer Wizz Jones, and after that performed in various R&B groups. During this time he was emitting his banshee wail alongside musicians like John Paul Jones (of Led Zeppelin fame) and Mick Fleetwood (co-founder of fellow MTS inductees Fleetwood Mac). Fans were both shocked and intrigued at Rod's attempts to inject estrogen into old blues standards. Stewart would then join a group called Steamjacket (the name alone brings visions of gay bathhouses). They would open for the Rolling Stones, but split shortly thereafter due to "artistic differences". Apparently the other members of the group decided that if they were going to have a female lead they would get an actual female and not the hermaphroditic Stewart.
Stewart would join the Jeff Beck Group, which gained a cult following primarily due to the guitarist that headlined. After that group dissolved Rod and guitarist Ron Wood (who played bass for the JBG) joined the Faces, who derived from a 1960's mod group known as Small Faces. Stewart wanted to spread more feminine hygene among the masses, so he began a solo career while in the Faces. His solo career began to make waves in the US, while Faces were big in the UK. His first solo effort The Rod Stewart Album
made the Billboard Top 200 in the States, but failed to chart across the pond (where it was known as An Old Raincoat Won't Ever Let You Down). After a second album that did nothing of note (Gasoline Alley) Rod finally hit big in 1971 with his third album Every Picture Tells A Story. The title track, which features a young Stewart sounding like a woman past menopause yelling into a microphone, reached #2 on the US charts. The major hit was "Maggie Mae" a horrible and overplayed little tune about May/December romance, that gave Stewart his first #1 hit. It was around this time he quit the Faces and concentrated on his solo career.
After releasing an Smiler in 1975, Stewart moved to the States for tax purposes. Believe it or not, there are countries that steal more of your hard earned money than America does. He celebrated the move by releasing Atlantic Crossing later that same year. Witnesses report a single tear running down the cheek of the Statue of Liberty. In 1976 he released A Night On The Town, which went platinum thanks in part to the #1 single "Tonight's The Night". This song gives me a major migraine every time I hear it. The minute it comes on the radio I quickly shut it off in a knee-jerk reaction. I'd rather listen to a dog getting slowly disemboweled than to that fucking song.
In 1977 Rod released the album Foot Loose and Fancy Free. If the title alone doesn't bring thoughts of a closeted homosexual trying to convince the world he's straight, then I don't know what does. The album went triple-platinum, and the Friends of Dorothy had their spokesman. The major hit on this album was "Hot Legs", reportedly inspired by the Joe Namath pantyhose commercial of a few years earlier. Rod jumped on the Disco bandwagon in 1978 with the album Blondes Have More Fun. The worst Stewart song came from this album, "Do You Think I'm Sexy?". To answer your question Rod, no I don't. You're fugly with a capital "FUCK". Due to the ongoing cocaine consumption during the Disco era, "Do You Think I'm Sexy?" became a #1 hit.
In the 1980's and 1990's Stewart became more known for his sexual exploits than his music. He was married to George Hamilton's ex-wife Alana, and hot model Rachel Hunter. Personally I think this was an attempt to keep himself closeted. Just come out Rod, there is nothing wrong with being gay. He did have a few scattered hits during this time, such as "Every Beat Of My Heart". I believe this is the song that features Stewart on a hayride with a little redheaded boy. The situation looked a bit too "Jacksonesque".
More recently Stewart has released an album of covers called The American Song Book. Not just any cover album mind you, but an album of old crooner tunes such as "It Had To Be You". Life has got to be complete now that Stewart released this album; there is nothing left to live for.
If you find yourself watching VH1 and you see an ugly blond haired man with leather pants that are way too tight, remember MTS. There, that was my subliminal message for the day.
Rod Stewart, music...that sucks!