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Author Topic: #16: Genesis/Phil Collins  (Read 2061 times)

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Offline shemps#1

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#16: Genesis/Phil Collins
« on: December 01, 2004, 03:49:39 PM »
(NOTE: Music That Sucks is the correct opinion of the author. If you disagree, I shall smite thee.)

Genesis; chapter "suck", verse "ass".

In the beginning, The Lord created a prog-rock group called Genesis. He sent them out to spread a plague of sucky music amongst the sinful masses. The group in the late 1960's, with Peter Gabriel on vocals, Mike Rutherford on bass, Anthony Phillips on guitar and a succession of drummers did indeed make sucky music, but it collected dust and His Lordship was none too pleased.

It was then that The Lord bestowed upon the band a new guitarist by the name of Steve Hackett, and a new drummer by the name of Phil Collins. Genesis records that followed gained a little steam, but the sucky music was still not spread amongst the sinful masses as God had hoped. Fed up in 1975, The Lord appeared before Gabriel and Collins.

"Verily I say unto you Peter, thou shall go and pursue a solo career, continuing the crappy progressive rock that thou hadst started with Genesis. Phil, thou shall take over lead vocals, taking the band in a soft/pop rock direction, and thou shall spread thine s**tty music to the masses".

The first Genesis record with Phil Collins on lead vocals, A Trick of the Tail, outsells all of their previous records with Peter Gabriel at the helm. The followup Wind and Wuthering, contains the single "Follow Me, Follow You", which reaches #23 on the singles chart. Hackett left the group in 1977, and Genesis continued into the 1980's as a trio. This is when it gets ugly, quick.

As the new decade began the group released the album Duke, which held the top spot in the UK and #11 in the US. The Lord, apparently pleased with the Muzak direction Collins had taken the group, sent him out to begin a solo career while remaining with the group. While it didn't chart in the States, "In The Air Tonight", Phil's first solo single, takes the #2 spot in the UK. I can feel the barrage of sucky music coming in the air tonight, hold on dear reader!

Collins' first solo album, Face Value, hits the listener in the bowels faster than a Taco Bell meal. Not only does he take the classic Beatles tune "Tomorrow Never Knows" and turn it from psychodelic masterpiece into a musical ovary; it also contains "In The Air Tonight". This being MTS, needless to say the album goes to #1 in the UK, #7 in the US. The next Genesis LP, Abacab, tops the UK charts while reaching #9 in the US.

Next on the platter, following a successful Genesis live album, is 1982's Hello I Must Be Going featuring a cover of "You Can't Hurry Love" which again topped the UK charts, claiming the #10 spot Stateside. After a self-titled Genesis album that continued the groups steady pace, Collins unleashes an onslaught of vaginal hits beginning in 1984 with the single "Against All Odds" reaching #1 in the US. This would begin a disturbing trend of Collins' music doing better in America than in the UK.

1985 saw the release of his third solo album No Jacket Required, which reaches #1 in both the US and UK. The extra douchy singles "One More Night" and "Sussudio" reach #1, as does a duet with Marilyn Martin called "Seperate Lives". This is kind of music you hear at your local K-Mart nowadays, but back then it dominated the charts. How anyone can argue that the 1980's isn't the worst decade in pop history since the birth of rock when the facts are here for everyone to see?

After No Jacket Required snatched (double meaning) the Grammy for Pop Album of the Year, Collins returned to Genesis for the strawberry douche flavored album Invisible Touch. More queifitude with the Homofactor and flamer level 10, the title track grabs the top spot on the singles chart. Other hits include, "Land Of Confusion" (#4), "Tonight Tonight Tonight" (#3), and "In Too Deep (#3). In 1988 Collins decides he wants to make a movie and ends up starring in Buster; it bombs. After all, even Yahweh can only do so much. Collins' next single "Groovy Kind Of Love", a sweet little tune coming from deep within his clit, tops the charts.

In 1989 Collins comes back hard with the album ...But Seriously. ...but seriously, you f**king suck, man-whore! Of course the album tops the charts with more mindnumbingly faggy Muzak. After one final Genesis album in 1991 called We Can't Dance, Collins leaves the group and The Lord appears before him.

"Thou hast done well, my son. You have made some of the s**ttiest music known to man, and thou hast spread amongst the sinful masses. I may be a vengeful God, but I am also compassionate. From here on out, any music that thou makest will not do as well as previous efforts. However, for all your hard work I give you the gift of eternal life".

That's right, Phil Collins is now immortal; he'll never die. He will outlast the last cockroach as a testiment to what can happen if you piss God off.

...and you wonder why I'm atheist?

Phil Collins and Genesis, music...that sucks!
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish." - Unknown

Offline MrsMorganMorgan

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Re: #16: Genesis/Phil Collins
« Reply #1 on: May 22, 2015, 11:13:26 AM »
"Strawberry Douche Flavored". This made me choke with laughter on my lunch! I am a major Genesis / Phil Collins fan, and yeah; I agree. Invisible Touch is Strawberry Douche Flavored.
You hear that? The old lady's a crook. Let's give her the razzle-dazzle!