(NOTE: Music That Sucks is the correct opinion of the author. The reader's opinion may be different, it that is the case than the reader's opinion is wrong.)
"Everybody knows the best rock bands are affiliated with Satan" - Bart Simpson
I had originally said that MTS#2 would be on Showtunes, but in spirit of this wretched season I thought I would do two articles pertaining to the holidays and hold off Showtunes for awhile. MTS #3 will feature two Top Ten Lists; Top Ten Suckiest Traditional XMas Songs of All Time and Top Ten Suckiest Rock XMas Songs of All Time. Now however, we take a look at a genre that was recently lampooned on a great South Park episode: Christian Rock.
Oh the f**king agony I go through just to write a somewhat funny article! This has to be the lamest sub-genre of rock I have ever had the displeasure of hearing. My main beef with Christian Rock is that no matter how much you try you cannot sound cool or make a rocking tune about Jesus. I am listening to a band named Dc Talk as I write this, and the tune is "Hey You, I'm into Jesus". Hey you, I don't give a f**k! Listening to, and looking at pictures of these Jesus Freaks (who, coincidentally, have an album titled "Jesus Freak") it appears as though they are trying for a church-going N-Sync type of act.
One of my biggest beefs with Christian Rock is the fact that they attempt to pass themselves as credible songwriters/artists, and are seemingly oblivious to the fact that they are a niche group. It appears as if they do not want to face the fact that outside of Xian Rock fans hardly anyone has heard of them or their music. Some Jesus Freaks are apparently so hard up to listen to rock that their stern, Bible-thumping parents might approve of that they flock to these concerts in decent numbers, holding their hands up in prayer, closing their eyes, and mouthing the words to every song as if they are on the proverbial Stairway to Heaven.
For a religion that reputedly abhors homosexuality, the gayness factor of Xian Rock is off the f**king charts. Prolong exposure to Christian Rock and you'll be begging for a hard cock up your sphincter. This is why your humble author can only to one song from each of the bands, and 5 songs total max.
Next up on the chopping block is Petra and "King of Kings" which sounds like either Madness or Men At Work, and comes complete with your standard black female backup singers in an attempt to inject some soul into this soulless song. The contrast in singing voices in this tune would be distracting in any other rock record, but hearing them screech on about "Jesus lifting us in glory" is enough to make you want to wretch. Having found a fan website for Petra (who has apparently been around since the 80's) they look a bunch of guys even the weakest of us here could easily kick the crap out of. Luckily the version of "King of Kings" I downloaded seems to be cut off, because it makes me wish for Dc Talk. Another second of "King of Kings" and I would have jumped out of the window and found if JC would have lifted me to glory or not.
We now come to a group called Third Day and their song "I Could Sing of Your Love Forever". If you have caught any of those Time-Life commercials featuring Xian Rock compilations than you've heard a bit of this one. It's funny, the singer actually reminds me of one Barry Manilow, except with even less testosterone. Yes folks, if you can comprehend it, there is a group out there that makes Barry Manilow sound like hard rock. Three songs into this project/endurance test and I'm about to put a slug into my brain to end the pain. With that in mind I'm gonna cut the playlist from 5 to 4, with the final selection being from Stryper, an 80's Xian Hair Metal band and their song "In God We Trust". Is it as bad as it actually sounds? Let's find out...
...why yes, it sure as f**k is! Take one part Queen, one part Pat Benetar, one part Poison, throw in some home grown crucifixion for good measure and you've got Stryper. It even comes with the mandatory "80's hair metal rockin' guitar solo"! I can just imagine a high school lad circa 1985, hanging out with his friends. They'll play some Def Leopard, Poison, Motley Crue, Judas Preist etc. Then our hero pops in a Stryper tape, and quickly catches the mother of all asswhippings! It would definately be a much deserved asswhipping at that.
So what have I learned from my short, but excruciating foray into Xian Rock?:
1. All Christian Rock is devoid of gonads
2. The people who listen to and enjoy Xian Rock are also devoid of gonads
3. How many ways can you say "I love Jesus" before it gets old? It's old before that first note is played.
4. There is no such thing as "good Xian Rock"
5. Xian Rock bands are just bands who could never make it in the mainstream milking money from a niche group that quite frankly, deserves to be fleeced.
And to think; there are actually some Xians out there who believe Xian Rock to be raucous noise and a tool of my pal Satan himself. I know Satan, and I know that just like the vast majority of us, he too hates Xian Rock.
Christian Rock: Music...that sucks!