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Author Topic: #42: Aerosmith  (Read 7408 times)

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Offline shemps#1

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#42: Aerosmith
« on: April 23, 2006, 01:33:18 AM »
(NOTE: Music That Sucks is the correct opinion of the author. If you don't like it I hope you're buried under the pitcher's mound at Fenway Park.)

**This is (finally) part two of a two-induction Boston, MA MTS special**

Some sucky rock bands implode right in your face and eventually fade away while others seem to survive everything that's thrown at them (and they throw at us) and look as though they'll outlive the mighty cockroach. In part one of the MTS Boston special I showcased a classic example of the former, so it's only fitting that in part two I give you an example of the latter.

While on a goodwill tour in Yonkers, NY, in 1947 Francis the Talking Mule (who was actually a female mule named Molly) had a one-night stand with one of her many human admirers. As legend has it, the condom that Francis' lover was using (more commonly known as a "scumbag" back in those days) broke and nine months later Steven Victor Tallarico was born. If only Molly had known what musical hell her offspring would unleash upon an unsuspecting (and tone deaf) public, perhaps she would have flown to Mexico for a quicky abortion.

By the late 1960's Steven had aspirations of becoming a rock singer, so he set out to find the one place where any aspiring would to make it big: Boston Massachusetts. While working at an ice cream parlor in a small New Hampshire town that he thought was Boston, Tallarico met guitarist Joe Perry. Shortly afterwards they were joined by bassist Tom Hamilton, guitarist Brad Whitford, and drummer Joey Kramer. Tallarico changed his name to Steven Tyler, and the band was known as The Francis Experience. Wanting to proove that he can make it without glomming off his mother's name, Tyler came up with the name Aerosmith shortly afterward. Near the end of 1970 someone had clued Tyler in to the fact that he was not actually in Boston, so he used the power of his mighty lips that he inherited from his famous mother to suck off enough Johns to buy Greyhound tickets to Beantown for the entire band.

For two years Aerosmith, led by Tyler's banshee whail, played clubs in and around Boston and New York until they were signed by Columbia Records in 1972. The following year they released an eponymous debut album which flopped (#166 on the charts). The single "Dream On" was for the most part ignored, going only as high as #59 on the Billboard singles chart. Undeterred and just as stubborn as his mother was, Tyler kept plugging on as Aerosmith toured with various shitty 70's music acts such as Sha-Na-Na and Mott the Hoople before the release of their second album, 1974's Get Your Wings. The album spent an ungodly 86 weeks on the charts, led by the single "Sweet Emotion", but did not chart very high.

With their lite take on Heavy Metal and Tyler's screaming into the microphone, their third album Toys In The Attic (1975) became their true breakthrough commercial hit, reaching #11 on the album charts. The band then re-released "Dream On", and this time it cracked the Top Ten, reaching as high as #6. The band rode the success of the album as long they could, and the final single to be released from Toys, "Walk This Way" became their second Top Ten hit (#10). Around the same time they also released another album, Rocks, which despite not having a strong single reached #3 on the album charts.

In 1977 the band scored another album hit with Draw The Line, and shortly following that did the inexcusable as they appeared as the bad guys in Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band The Movie (MTS #19). While this abominable desecration of one the greatest rock albums of all time effectively killed Peter Frampton's career, unfortunately Aerosmith got out unscathed and even scored a hit with an absolutely shitty cover of the Beatles song "Come Together" (#23). They scored two more hit albums to close out the 1970's with Live! Bootleg (1978) and Night in the Ruts (1979), before both Perry Whitford left the band to persue other projects, jealous at the copious amounts of drugs and alcohol Tyler was able to consume being half mule and all.

The 1980's started out with a whimper for Aerosmith, as the band's subsequent albums failed to meet expectations. Perry and Whitford returned to Aerosmith in 1984 and during the reunion Tyler collapsed on stage (after all he's half mule, not half elephant; the drugs had to take their toll sometime). The new album by the original lineup, Done With Mirrors (their first with Geffen Records) failed miserably and seemed as though the coffin lid was nailed shut on Aerosmith. Unfortunately, this was far from the case.

In 1986 Tyler and Perry went to drug rehabilitation, and teamed up with rap pioneers Run D.M.C. for a cover version of "Walk This Way", also appearing in the MTV video. The horrid rap/rock hybrid was played non-stop on the infant music channel, and the cover outperformed the original, reaching #4 on the charts. Aerosmith was saved by the proverbial Jaws Of Life, and their next album, 1987's Permanent Vacation became a quick hit in the sucky 80's, selling over 3 million copies with hit singles that make you want to poke at your eardrums with a fork like "Dude (Looks Like A Lady)" (#14, and originally titled Dude Looks Like A Lady Jackass, an autobiographical piece), "Rag Doll" (#12 on the Rock charts) and "Angel" (#2).

Aerosmith closed out the Decade of Suckitude with Pump (1989) which reached #5 on the album charts, their highest spot since Rocks 13 years earlier. This album, considered by the ambi-sexual fans of Aerosmith to probably be with their best along with Toys In The Attic spawned three Top Ten Hits, all equally annoying and shitty: "Janie's Got A Gun" (#4), "Love In An Elevator (#5), and "What It Takes" (#9). In the early 1990's the band resigned with Columbia, but due to their low IQ's and short memories forgot they owed Geffen two more albums. In 1993 they released their worst (and of course most successful) album to date, Get A Grip (#1). The first two singles "Amazing" (#9) and "Crying" (#11) sound exactly alike, and along with "Livin On The Edge" (#19) the music videos feature future Bat-Girl Alicia Silverstone. The following year they released their third of an eventual five greatest hits albums, fulfilling their Geffen contract.

Allow me to digress here for a moment. I absolutely hate it when these old bands/artists (or their estates) feel that they constantly release greatest hits albums in an attempt to squeeze every last sheckle they can out of their fans. It's not just the sucky ones that do it either, John Lennon has a total of 4 greatest hits packages as well, 3 of which were released after his death. I urge all who read this to please, no matter what bands you like, if you are going to buy a greatest hits album, keep it to just ONE greatest hits album. Just because you may be a huge Aerosmith fan doesn't mean you need all 5 fucking compilation albums!

The first album of the new Columbia deal, Nine Lives, debuted at #1 but fell quickly. The group would finally have their first (and only) #1 hit single with "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing" from the soundtrack to an overblown Hollywood shitfest called Armageddon, which featured Tyler's quarter-mule daughter Liv as the lead actress. Subsequent albums have done nothing as it seems a new generation of music fans have no use for a band led by a middle-aged product of beastiality. Tyler was seen screaching through a rendition of the national anthem at game one of the 2004 World Series at Fenway Park. Not even his downright awful alley-cat like voice could ruin this Sox fan's euphoria on that day.

If the story of Aerosmith has taught us anything besides Boston has a very checkered music past (after all, not only are fellow inductees Boston from here but so are fellow inductees New Kids On The Block), it's that no matter how drunk you get and how flurtatious four legged creatures might be, please stick with fucking mammals from the human race.

Aerosmith, music...that sucks!
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish." - Unknown

Offline JazzBill

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Re: #42: Aerosmith
« Reply #1 on: April 23, 2006, 08:32:47 AM »
Jim... Is it safe for me to assume your not real big on Steven Tyler and Aerosmith?
"When in Chicago call Stockyards 1234, Ask for Ruby".

Offline shemps#1

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Re: #42: Aerosmith
« Reply #2 on: April 23, 2006, 11:59:20 AM »
Yeah Bill, I'm not much into Aerosmith at all.
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish." - Unknown

Offline metaldams

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Re: #42: Aerosmith
« Reply #3 on: August 20, 2006, 08:36:33 PM »
For accuracy's sake, "Sweet Emotion" is on TOYS IN THE ATTIC, not GET YOUR WINGS.

I love Aerosmith's 70's stuff, think they were a great rock band.  Good songwriters, crazy vocals, a rhythm section that truly swinged, and Joe Perry was a great lead guitar player.  They wimped out in the 80's once they became a hit machine co-writing songs with Desmond Child (always the kiss of death for any band).  But what do I know, I also like Mott The Hoople.

As for greatest hits packages, I agree Aerosmith has too many, but in their case, I'd say they're allowed two for label reasons.  The 70's stuff was on Columbia and the 80's and 90's on Geffen.  Hell, I own three Kinks Greatest Hits packages, one which has mostly their 60's material, one for their RCA material ('71 - '75), and one for their Arista years ('77 - '84).  All great albums, but even they have too many greatest hits for the 60's, (I'd go with the two CD THE ULTIMATE COLLECTION myself).

Offline JazzBill

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Re: #42: Aerosmith
« Reply #4 on: August 20, 2006, 09:12:03 PM »
I only have one "Mott The Hoople" album and thats "All The Young Dudes". It came out when I was over-sea's in the Army. I have to agree with "metaldams", I liked it. We give it a lot of play. But I agree with "Shemps #1 about Aerosmith, I never cared for them. Steven Tyler always sang like someone had just kicked him in the balls.
"When in Chicago call Stockyards 1234, Ask for Ruby".

Offline metaldams

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Re: #42: Aerosmith
« Reply #5 on: August 21, 2006, 01:19:13 AM »
I only have one "Mott The Hoople" album and thats "All The Young Dudes". It came out when I was over-sea's in the Army. I have to agree with "metaldams", I liked it. We give it a lot of play. But I agree with "Shemps #1 about Aerosmith, I never cared for them. Steven Tyler always sang like someone had just kicked him in the balls.

It's coincidence Mott The Hoople was mentioned because I just bought their "Greatest Hits" album a few days ago.  I decided to give it a shot because I've been getting into Ziggy Stadrdust era David Bowie a lot and I know Mott was from the same scene and era.  It's a good CD.

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Re: #42: Aerosmith
« Reply #6 on: August 21, 2006, 01:36:56 AM »
David Bowie sucks beyond suckiness.

 [sick] [sick] [sick] [sick] [sick] [sick] [sick]

He ought to be "cleaning up" right now, just like his fellow limp-wristed flaming queen, Boy George:

http://www.dailynewstranscript.com/artsCulture/view.bg?articleid=77353

 [dance]

Offline Bangsmith

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Re: #42: Aerosmith
« Reply #7 on: September 08, 2006, 03:39:53 PM »
I'm not a big Aerosmith fan, but as for their "Greatest Hits" packages, the best two are, the "Pandora's Box" 3-CD set covering their original Columbia years, and the "Young Lust" 2-CD set,("Gold" is a straight re-release of this set!!) covering their Geffen years. These at least contain their best material, which is not saying much!!
If at first you don't succeed, keep on sucking 'til you do "suck seed"!!

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Re: #42: Aerosmith
« Reply #8 on: November 01, 2006, 08:49:04 PM »
Well, Shemps....don't know If you remember me, but I will preface my comments with this fact: I had never been envolved in an online forum and did not know a Moderator from a hole in the wall, or the proper decorum.

   But since I last posted here I have become a forum member on a St Louis Cardinals forum site, and have got the hang of it.....On your Tyler offering, not much to argue with, exept that I must admit when I 1st saw mim in a MTV video, I was struck by his resemblance to Jagger, and that he could SCREAM as he did and still stay in tune. So I give him credit for that.

  That's all for now.

Offline vomit

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Re: #42: Aerosmith
« Reply #9 on: January 29, 2009, 10:04:22 PM »
Aerosmith: bad.  Blatz beer: good.  Great review Shemps#1.  I am surprised that I agree with just about every band/"artist" you are skewering here.  You must be a Blatz drinker.  Painfully obvious.
Specto Caelum!

Offline Rhinosaurus

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Re: #42: Aerosmith
« Reply #10 on: March 30, 2010, 05:55:06 PM »
"Rocks" is my favorite Aerosmith album, but yeah, they started sucking something fierce in the 80's when they kicked the drugs.

Offline vomit

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Re: #42: Aerosmith
« Reply #11 on: June 28, 2010, 02:07:30 PM »
Well, I never liked Aerosmith, but getting off drugs is almost assuredly a one-way trip for a Rock and Roll band to suck.  Whatever bad stuff the drugs do to you, they almost (always) lead to creativity.....mind you I AM NOT endorsing drug use.  Just seems to me it inspires a lot of creativity (and shortened lives).  Poe, Coleridge, Jim Morrison, and a host of others were veritable geniuses.  And druggies 100%.

Go figure.
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Offline Curly4444

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Re: #42: Aerosmith
« Reply #12 on: August 02, 2010, 10:12:27 AM »
Quote
Aerosmith, music...that sucks!
>:(

I'm assuming your not a fan of rock, if you were you wouldn't have utter those words. Next you'll say Van halen or Ozzy sucks.  ;D

Update:

I found out you like Guns'N'Roses, so i guess you do like some good rock!! Dam, failed at that attempt to insult.  [banghead]

Offline shemps#1

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Re: #42: Aerosmith
« Reply #13 on: August 12, 2010, 12:40:54 AM »
I do think Van Halen sucks...in fact I could have sworn I did one of these about them...
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish." - Unknown

stooged and confused

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Re: #42: Aerosmith
« Reply #14 on: August 12, 2010, 01:42:32 AM »
I cover all of these groups and some of these topics in my book. I know you will all love it. We're wrapping up the cover art now and will be done by Sunday. The publisher is slated to have books ready by the first week of September. Finally, after over 700 man hours, it's 98% finished!

Offline Curly4444

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Re: #42: Aerosmith
« Reply #15 on: August 12, 2010, 11:07:23 AM »
I do think Van Halen sucks...in fact I could have sworn I did one of these about them...

Yeah, you did.  [boxer] Don't know what you have against them. Great drummer, awesome guitarist, and superb singer. Was it the new or old Van Halen that you didn't like? I liked them both as im a Sammy Hagar fan. David lee Roth was a better stage performer though.

Offline metaldams

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Re: #42: Aerosmith
« Reply #16 on: August 12, 2010, 11:09:28 AM »
I'm just a casual Van Halen fan.  They had a few good moments but overall I think there are a ton of better bands out there. 

Offline Curly4444

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Re: #42: Aerosmith
« Reply #17 on: August 12, 2010, 11:30:21 AM »
I'm just a casual Van Halen fan.  They had a few good moments but overall I think there are a ton of better bands out there. 
Of course theres better, but they still rocked. I was a little more than casual, but no fanatic of them. I'm more into the Beatles, Queen, or Guns N Roses.

Offline metaldams

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Re: #42: Aerosmith
« Reply #18 on: September 22, 2010, 05:28:07 PM »
I'll just throw in a few images and we'll see if it generates any response:

Steven Tyler
Judge
American Idol

I have my opinions, but I'll let somebody else share their's first if they care too.

Offline Curly4444

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Re: #42: Aerosmith
« Reply #19 on: September 22, 2010, 05:41:19 PM »
I'll just throw in a few images and we'll see if it generates any response:

Steven Tyler
Judge
American Idol

I have my opinions, but I'll let somebody else share their's first if they care too.

Hey, when your careers tanking, what can you do? Join American Idol i guess? You just can't live like a normal person, the over the top lavish lifestyle is a must. /Sarcasm.

Offline Liz

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Re: #42: Aerosmith
« Reply #20 on: February 04, 2012, 05:47:07 PM »
Jim, I'm sorry, but I danced to "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" with my date at my junior prom.  He wasn't (and isn't) my boyfriend, but it was the most romantic thing I've ever done with a guy, and also the first time I danced with a guy, so Aerosmith holds a very special place in my heart for me. 
IT'S ALIVE!!!!

Offline metaldams

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Re: #42: Aerosmith
« Reply #21 on: February 04, 2012, 09:11:59 PM »
Before AI, before MTV, before outside songwriters, before rehab, there was this Aerosmith....

[youtube]P20i0nMKy58[/youtube]

"Sick as a Dog"

[youtube]YWRAQUXO1Sw[/youtube]

"Spaced"

Shit, sorry, gotta throw one more in there, 'cause this on'e a classic, and for you eagle eyed people who care about such things, yes that's Jimmy Crespo and not Joe Perry on guitar.

[youtube]KfzXcwn9GvA[/youtube]

"No Surprize"